I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
