Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
