I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
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