Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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