Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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