Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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