note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
