I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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