I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Randomize
