it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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