so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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