i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I think I just sharted jello shots
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
