508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
