I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
