I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I need help removing her.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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