what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
