I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
