I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
