This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
