Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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