My sheets look like a crime scene.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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