Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
