Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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