every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
