Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
