Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
