I haven't been this sober since birth.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
