I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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