i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
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