i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
