epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
