There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
