Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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