Screwed.edu
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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