I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
