I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
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