he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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