do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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