How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
