idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
