i just sent this text using only my big toe
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
So many bounce houses so little time
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Randomize
