final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
