I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
