would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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