Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Just high enough for therapy.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
