So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
