I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
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