You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
