Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
