PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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