dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
