My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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