all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
