she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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