just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
