I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
