Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
You can't special order awesome
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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