Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
